I use my myspace account more than this one, so whoever looks at this can look for my more recent stuff on Myspace. This honestly will just be a storage.

Truthfully speaking, I try really hard to be the best person I can be. I try to listen, I try to advise, I try to just be there to help and I find that no matter what, everything I do is taken for granted. I wrote a blog "Well running dry?" and talked about how people take me for granted (At this point, I am not trying to save face, if it sounds weird or wrong, get over it. This is how I feel.) and it seems nobody listened.
I am glad that every twenty people I help daily, one notices but I am really getting tired. I do more things for the people I consider or wish to be friends with than I do for myself and it is never, I mean NEVER, appriciated. I love my friends but I am at the last straw of this egotistical, self-centered, asinine, ungratiful, myopic behavior. I can't shed enough tears to prove that I would be Atlas in a heartbeat for the ones I care for. Sisyphus and Prometheus's punishments are nothing to the burden I take and what I get in return is less than nothing besides a phone call once and a while to go watch a movie.
Honestly, I refuse to do it anymore. I am not inviting people to go out with me, I am not going to worry or ask what's wrong when they are crying and life is too hard. Everyone wonders why when they have a tough time, why nobody cares enough to listen or just be there. Well... I noticed that when I did allow others to use me however they choose, everything was fine. But I get looked at strangely for asking your day.
I see. Everyone just wants to have pain so they can have SOMETHING to COMPLAIN about. Yes, that must be it! Life wouldn't be fun if you can't moan and whail about you stubbing your toe. Well guess what? Complain as much as you want. Handle it in your own way and when you start to get suicidal thoughts, have fun talking to yourself and the little three eyed, orange and green dolphin that you met while hiding from the monsters in your closet. I am done.
I am so pass finished trying to be friends with the people that I smile and try to start off a conversation with and they would rather pull teeth. I am so pass done with digging for random things to ask. I am done with punishing myself as you draw all eyes on you when I know so well that you are some of the most attention hungry and insecure people I know in existence. I am finished and I don't know if I shall be missed at all but I will be gone for a while and its no turning back from here. Goodbye!

P.S. I don't even know if people actually read these things but it needed to be said. Also, like I said last time, if you think I am talking about you, I just might be. This is about many people, so deal with it.

Sometimes you leave yourself open, on purpose, for sadness. Being afraid of the hurt really means nothing to a heart with blinders. Walking into pitfalls and knowing when it can't real. We trick ourselves into believing that life is dandy. Sometimes, a chance for a moment to say what's on your mind is more important than shutting it up. Your head swirls and tears fall. It doesn't come soon enough. That thing chases you and when the notion finally hits its target, the only thing you can do is cry. Out of happiness and sadness, you cry. Yes, my pride is strong but after years and years of falling behind and holding it in, that dam breaks. A man isn't supposed to shed tears, it's not manly or becoming. Not suposed to cry. Yet, sometimes the only thing that lulls you to sleep is the solitary pain. Just the release from constant the merry-go-rounds and spin cycles lets you drift and forget. I have fallen into this but I am glad I did, even if I have to cry. I cry.

Am I in love with being in Love? Is the feeling of weightlessness in the person's eyes enough for me to take the punishment and beating of a lifetime? I constantly feel drawn, not to the physical aspect of others, but moreso the mental. The point that everything balances in between. Love, am I a fool to believe in you? Have I really left myself open so much, time and time again, that I am a little more than your practice target? Do I really deserve to be drawn into your world and be played cruel tricks on, like the Cheshire Cat? I just wish someone would have told me it hurts this much. I wish someone would of told me that this state of panic and searching is equatable to a chicken missing its head or a person soul is ablaze. I look around for something to put out my perpetual heartburn. Yet, I continue my quest. I pray for something that feels like heaven. I pray for the free moments when I get the winter mixed up with May or a tropical paradise. Love, am I a fool to believe in you? You have laughed in my expense too many times. Too many tears were shed and I didn't see the truth until my heart was broken. Many friends and loves can't conceive or care about the pain inflicted. Call me Atlas or the picture of Dorian Gray because I take the pain others can't bare. Their pain is on my shoulders and all I can do is live, continue to walk this road as others fall. I am strong enough to withstand but... why must I? You never gave me a break. Is the first three months worth losing it all? Is the first month of newness worth the next 5 years of torment. I can't fall for another, I won't. So I close my heart until someone finally can open it. Cupid, you evil puggy angel, why do I feel like I need you so much?

She may not know that she is all I need in life. From nothing but her comfort and a warm smile when skies are dark, I have strength. Laugh with me to keep the tears away and smile to change my outlook on my whole day. The chance to keep lay beneath the covers with you as we talk about the world, how beautiful the night stars were, how good it feels to hop in a warm shower on a cold autumn day and the moment of joy as we run and dance in the rain before we change and jump under the covers while watching a movie and drinking hot cocoa. Life is blissful under the covers. Blissful just like the calm before and after the storm. I hope I return at the right time, hope I return before it rains again.

"Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you"

"...But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you..."
- Maroon 5

I just don't understand. Being at the breaking point so often. People soon wonder why I shift, switching to something long gone. I can't do it. I won't. But, I am so close. It will almost feel good. A guilty pleasure to go back to another time. Somewhere far in my mind. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about consequences or ridiculing from anyone. I just want to leave it all behind. If I can never get what I want the nice way, maybe I will have to drift back. Dangerous, dark and anything but Angelo. Maybe it will feel good. Like forbidden fruit or something similar. I am not Juxtaposing these words. I just want them to be heard. Just once. Let me pass by the usual. Let me sip and taste the necture of a different one. One gets no respect. The other gets fear. Yet, I fear myself as I linger close to becoming a monster. Not the same. Just anything but the same. Maybe the raindrops are a little saltier than normal. Maybe it isn't the ground shaking. Yet, when I look in the water, I see something a little my truthful than what I am now. Maybe I need to stop fooling myself. Maybe my shadow is a little closer to the original than I thought. A little closer. Just A little more.

Karma is a weird thing. Sometimes it is perfectly on traget, other times it is either well deserved or not. I know many times, everyone is super estatic when they find a twenty in their freshly washed pants or when you happen to walk out of a situation with a grin on your face. Yet, Karma works in mysterious ways, just like the principle of Yin-Yang, everything has its equal and opposite. So, if everything is going your way and you don't do something to share it with others, you should be destined for disaster, this is the same for the opposite. However, what happens if that time never comes? What happens if you become caught in a circle of turmoil and negativity just like the Buddhist religion hints on. If life truly is suffering, are we destined to be perpetually stuck, going in circle...(didn't think that pun would come out) But what do you do when you are stuck in a Catch 22?

It's no wishful thinking to pray for the future. It's not wishful thinking to pray for a time where love meets friendship and everyday is just happy. It's not even being over-optimistic when you make a promise to a dear friend that you will come back. Most importantly, it's not too much to just dream. Out of all of my life experiences, I never regretted a moment. From the scraped knees and sleepless nights to a fully completely work of art and a kiss under the stars. Even second is cherished, so when asked do I ever think twice, I say I think twice, three times and even four or more. But when I look back, I smile, happy that I was blessed enough to see any of it. God guides and God loves so I trust that I am not being led astray. I am thankful and I love my past, my life and my future.

To All My Friends and Family (Special or Not. You know who you all are.)
Love Always,
Mi-les Miguel

People always confronted me about why guys really never truly care or will do stuff for their girlfriends. Besides myself and the King of Hearts, I understand where they are coming from. Many girls don't get treated right so that when they do find a good guy, they don't do right by them, so, I threw this together as a reply.

If I were yours, what would I do? Would I appriciate you? Would you appriciate me? In fact, if you were my owner, what would I be? If I were your pad, each stroke of your pen would be cherished and leave more than just an impact on me. If I were your piano, each time your fingertips graced me, gently brushing against me, my heartstrings would vibrate, creating a new sound, worthy of the adoration of millions. If I could be your blanket, I would just for a chance to wrap myself around you, keeping you warm and holding you in my embrace as you fall asleep, comfortable, as I keep you safe on the coldest, loneliest nights. If I were yours, would you use me right? Even better, if were to ask you to let me be yours, would you let me?

Mi-les Miguel

Is there a such thing as love at first sight? Is there a soul mate waiting for you in England, China, India or down the block from you? Are we even destined to find that one person that makes every day worth wild? No matter what that person does or says, just a chance to get know him/her is a blessing in itself. When that person walks by, your heart is caught and your eyes see it as blasphomy to avert your glaze. Is there seriously someone that has your heart on a string? If so, how will you make sure they feel the same way? Will you grasp onto them without fear of the world and make sure they don't escape? Or If it was true love, would they already be thinking the same thing? Beyond sex, are people really ready for L-O-V-E, Musiq Soulchild, Amerie, India.Arie, Maroon 5, "This must be the one"-love?

Just A question.

Yep, last straw... today I am giving out flags GLALORE... I am sick of fake friends, stuck up firends and just all around people that deserve to be taken out into the streets and ran over by a Thanksgivings Day Parade. Since I don't drop names, you figure it out. Also, DON'T, I repeat, DO NOT ask me who I am talking about or if any of these are you, I am not saying but it just could be you.


Not being observate to know I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY liked you and when I wanted to get close again, you pushed me away.: Yellow Flag

Really cool person when in contact but plays me to somewhere on the West Coast (Left field) And keeps on doing it. :Two Yellow Flags, Orange Flag

Making me think twice about getting to know you. Really became something I am unsure of..: Two Yellow Flags.

Straight Up being an on and off B*&% no matter how nice I am to you and for treating me like I shouldn't exist. : Two Yellow Flags, Orange Flag (In other words don't look at me the wrong way.)

Faulting me for not being or giving me a chance to be what you needed. You groupped me with others, as the same ol' guy. Also, you really didnt notice my crush on you. (I'm sad aren't I?): Orange Flag (You skipped Yellows but still didn't merit a Red)

Hurting me and I am tired of keep giving second chances.: Orange Flag (Sick and tired...simple as that)

For being a nasty motherf$#*er and attempting to steal the precious things in my life: Red Flag

Talking Mad Garbage to people behind my Back when I thought we were closer than that.: Red Flag

Talking Garbage Behind my Back and just being straight up a distrubingly weird person.: Red Flag

You smoke: Red Flag

Hurting one of the people I love more than you can even understand but I am being forced to co-exist with you.: Brown Flag (I am waiting for you to do something I don't Like.)

Honestly, you gave me the most grimey looks and completely made a portion of my life hell... you need help!: Black Flag

Being Untrustworthy, manipulative and a COMPLETE liar : Not even a red flag...black (Like the stuff that kills "ROACHES". Black Flag

For Being an arrogant, fake ass, bitch ass, A-S-S-H-O-L-E (Fuck Dennis Leary).: (Black Flag)

Becoming a follower and being really arrogant, plus you look weird.: Black Flag


This Has been a Public Service Announcement and now we shall go back to our regular scheduled friend and peaceful Mi-les Miguel. Thank You!

Well, I know not many people read my last post about a well running dry and the treatment of others and stuff. Resently, more and more people are losing themselves in a "new" identity and the ideals of college life and being grown. Yeah, you are older and your family is no longer behind you every two steps but realistically burning bridges es muy mal. Yet, many people don't care about their old friends when they have opportunities for new ones. Not respecting or treating your "friends" well enough may not effect you know but I am gone. All those that have really mistreated the ones around you, note that like soccer, you get two Yellow Flags and a Red. Not even a strike, I will red flag someone really quickly right now, so PEOPLE, if you want to act all fake and strange, go ahead. You will see where it gets you.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, Fuck you. Fool me three times, WELL...there won't be a thrid time."

Standing on the sidelines is hard when you want to play. Watching is always harder when you can make a difference. I never understood the vibe I got telling me to make things right when so many things can go wrong. What do I do if I am scared of what is beyond those doors. If they can't understand how I feel and avoid me, what do I do then? Is it better just to feel a certain way and keep it bottled up or should I let you know and the thing we have so far be destroyed? Don't want to get too close or too serious because a true relationship is fragile and can be mangled beyond recognition with one false move. But what is my next move? Question is, Would you promise me you would stay, if I told you I loved you that way? I can't make everything easier for you but we can take it one step at a time.

I can't really understand why it is so hard to just be happy and close to the ones you love? I can't been near the ones I care just to enjoy myself. I find myself withdrawing because I don't wanna get close to anyone else. I seem to always get dragged away or vice versa from anyone with potential. Honestly, I don't want disappointment of heartache for the ones I care for or myself. I just want to be near someone that knows how I feel and feels the same way back, but why does it seem like it can't happen? I am ready but I guess it is still not my time...but how long does it take?

The summer has been way too short. I've met many people that I would love to learn more about and be with longer. I have about a week left in town and yet, I already gotta go. It is going to be another long year and I really wish I could talk and hang with everyone but I can't. To my friends, I wish I could say everything I wanted to you all, the laughs and tears, I will miss them all. I even miss the jokes about the person sitting in front of us at the movies because of their weird head shape or even the guy with the neon green shirt and hot pink pants with the crispy D-town hat (How he got a crispy hat, yet is wearing that outfit is on me.). To my boys, too bad we couldn't get together and hoop or something. To my girls, too bad we couldn't go to the movies, it could've been fun. But either way, next summer, I will try to spend my time more wisely but until then hit Mr. Mi-les Miguel up or like the song says... :

"I don't want to leave (Leave, leave, leave you baby)
But I gotta go right now (But I gotta go though)
I'll be back to hold you down
I don't want to leave no no no
But girl I gotta go right now
But I'll be back before you know it"

Sometimes it is tragic to look out on the world in one moment and find that everything you once known a held dear is gone. Not just past loves and the neighborhood but just life. I went to my old church resently and we don't have the same pastor or even same congregation. My grandfather is no longer there and everytime I sit through a service I want to cry. My grandma Hazel is still suffering from her loss and the droves of family that used to be there are no longer there. The new pastor doesn't even know my name. Ha, it's funny but even at the church my great grandfather started, it is the same way. Most of them members I grew up with are long gone and I want to just go back to those days. No matter how futile the wish is, it still pains me to see everything that I once knew to be gone. My old elementary school is long gone (All old teachers are gone with a new principal), my neighborhood is now filled with drug users and gang members. What do I do when I find out at least 80% my old friends are either drug addicts or pregnant. WHAT AM I TO DO WHEN MY CLOSEST FRIENDS ARE LONG GONE!?! There is barely anything for me to return home to. So what do I do now, say Goodbye?

Yeah, I know this is like blasphamy for me to do two blogs in one day when I have done maybe 1 in a two month period but oh well. Right now I am going back through my CDs and listening to find out what is going to make the cut for my iPod I am going to get when I see a nice deal. Now keep in mind these are CDs I can listen to from beginning to end without stopping (except 50 Cent, which I turn off when I start to feel like giving up this honest life of school and jobs and start peddling rocks.) This list does not mean I don't like other artists or even most of there CDs, I just don't like the whole thing. (for example: Papa Roach's CDs are really good but I start to get a suicidal feeling after a while. But anyway, right now I have been through a "small" list and wanted to share:

RapJay-Z :Black Album, The Blueprint, The Blueprint 2: Gift and the Curse (My Three Favorites) Kanye West: College Dropout, Late Registration Ludacris: Word of Mouf, Chicken N Beer, Red Light District (My Three Favorites) Eminem: The Eminem Show (No others are needed) Common: Be, Like Water For Chocolate 50 Cent: Get Rich or Die Tryin' (Yeah, I said it! I actually liked him at one point)Lil' Wayne: Tha Carter, Tha Carter II OutKast: Speakerboxxx/The Love Below Fugees: The Score Obie Trice: Cheers Notorious B.I.G.:Life After Death(don't have Ready to Die) LL Cool J: All J World

R&B/Soul Amerie: All I Have India.Arie: Acoustic Soul, Voyage to India, Testimony: Vol. 1. Life & Relationship Musiq Souldchild: Aijuswannaseeing, Juslisen Lauryn Hill: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill Jill Scott: Who is Jill Scott? John Legend: Get Lifted Amel Larrieux: Bravebird D'Angelo: Brown Sugar Lyfe Jennings: Lyfe 268-192 Erykah Badu: Baduism Nat King Cole: The World of Nat King Cole Ray Charles: The Very Best of Ray Charles Stevie Wonder: The Master Collection Marvin Gaye: 20th Century of the Motown Hits of Marvin Gaye Michael Jackson: Number Ones Ne-Yo: In My Own Words Chris Brown: Chris Brown Beyonce: Dangerously In Love Dwele: Subject Corinne Bailey Rae: Corinne Bailey Rae Usher: Confessions (Gulton for Punishment)

Rock: Daft Punk: Discovery, Human After All Maroon 5: Songs about Jane John Mayer: Heavier Things Linkin Park: Meteora, Collision Course, Hybrid Theory

Reggae: Sean Paul: Dutty Rock, The Trinity

Trance/Dance: Mynt: Still Not Sorry

Jazz: Miles Davis: Kind of Blue (Listen to me, a MUST have. Go get it now!! Stop reading, this will still be here. Go to your nearest music store and get it! Go on, I will wait.) Poetic Sounds, John Coltrane: [Almost anything]



Whew...well this will have to do for now. I was doing all this from memory. For now, that's that.

They say they never really miss you until you're dead or you're gone, so my leaving won't be after too long. Mr. Mi-les Miguel, a friend through fire and hell but when I reach put for some help all I get is "Well..." What really classifies a friend? A person that got your back to the end? Someone who will tell you to cut your losses when you can't win. Well, in the situations I'm in, I got all my friends back but when I need a friend back, my friends leave speechless trying to hold my own back. Friends becoming closed-minded, eyes upon the one but being the one at fun when trouble starts to arise and SURPRISE, who do they lean on, who do they look for? But who yall going to rely on when I am not here anymore. [Pause] Well, I love all my friends but when I feel like my life being syphoned out of my body over and over again when we talk. I sacrifice and go out of my way for you and don't even get an appriciative feeling when we part, something is wrong. I call and never get a call back. Then when I catch you I barely or rarely get a "hello" or even a "hey, we haven't spoke in a while", I start to think it is not worth it anymore. I can understand being busy and stuff but don't lie. In fact, don't get mad at me when I refuse to sugar-coat and lie to make you feel better. A true friend tells you the truth and when you cry because it doesn't sit right, he wipes your eyes too. But that is life and when I can't get that back, even once, something is amiss. I have a good temper and demeanor and SEEM like I will always be there but for me to be there for you, you have to earn it. All I am saying if you guys don't be more aware of the outcome of your actions and how it effects others, don't get mad when you so called "friends" call a quits on you. If you guys act like I don't exist when I am there, I wonder would you miss me when I REALLY am not there? You never know how good it is to walk until your legs are kicked out from under you. You guys never know the worth of water...

"If you don't respect that, your whole perspective is wack, maybe you'll love me when I fade to black" Jay-Z

P.S. This isn't directed to any one person, this is observations from friends' points of view and my own. So, if you feel a triffle guilty, maybe that little voice in your head just had a wake up call.

Yeah, so today, I decided to put some time into my poor neglected myspace account. I have been deciding to work some kinks out of my life. I have been leaning towards two sides of myself. One, the carefree, silly, crazy me and the other is my laid back, thought prevoking side. I have started to read and write again and for once I am doing well. And drumroll please... I finally got a job!!!!(Yeah, time to get some new 59/50s and the much needed iPod) And most importantly, I am working out something fierce. I am trying to get my six pack back and banging by next semester. Trying to get in shape with basketball, running 5 miles a day and 125 push-ups a day. This lil' skinny boy is about to be ripped. Anywho, to my boi Complexx, I have just been pushing out verses for the past three days. I always gotta have a shout out to my boi the King Of Hearts. Crimson and Cream huh? Well, we gotta get ready for Kappa style soon... well don't worry I'll be down at A&M soon enough to visit. But yeah, I am getting my music together and I'm on wait for a few fresh CDs. Just think 7-11 is so close.

Kid Adonis~ Mi-les Miguel

considering creating a new alias...hmmm...need something with luck...hmmm...

This was a good little...I mean...LITTLE break. I got home tuesday after a 5 1/2 hour ride and that was okay. Wednesday I spent a few hours with Rick after my haircut. It was cool but we got stuck in Highland Park after dark (scary) and then had to take two buses to get around the parade route. Thursday I slept in and ate two plates of Turkey day food...ummmm...real food...Friday I went to see Krystal after fighting with my cousin to get a ride there. That was really good. I got to meet some of her family and watch movies with her. (Her family all looks really similar. At least my family is different colors. THEY ALL ARE THE SAME COLOR EVEN.) Saturday I went with my dad...I won't even comment on that. But I did get to hang with my sisters and nieces. (They are soo cute) Sunday...I rode up to school after a 7 1/2 hour ride. Does anyone catch a difference in times? Well...I could have walked between Indiana and Illinois quicker. Anyway, now I am all warm and toasty!!Yay winter clothes and I got to bring sweet potatoe pies to school. Yumm...Pie! All and all...a good short break.

P.S. I forgot to study Bio...sigh!